I have been spending my days freaking out lately. Really. Anxiety and worry is a full time job, and I am enjoying overtime the last couple of weeks.
Then I got these in an email...and remembered that laughter is my drug of choice for the treatment of all my mental disorders.
(I have no excuse for my insanity of late except my plans for the future have been obliterated and I have been throwing a temper tantrum. So please know I am not making fun of actual mental disorders, my heart hurts for those who suffer from these diseases. But feel free to poke fun at me all you like, as my only disease is sin and self righteousness. ;)
THE HOTLINE
Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressed, it doesn’t matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.
HOW TO HANDLE STRESS
* Drive to work in reverse.
* Dance naked in front of your pets.
* Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa bill.
* Make a list of things you have already done.
* Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
* Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.
* Jam tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out.
* Read the dictionary backwards and look for subliminal messages.
* When someone says "Have a nice day!" tell them you have other plans.
* Thumb through the National Geographic and draw underwear on the natives.
* Put your toddlers clothes on backward and send her off to preschool as if nothing is wrong. (Would this work for my teenagers? Hmmmm...)
* Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they don't realize it.
* Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
* Run up to an employee (preferably a male) while squeezing your legs together and practically yell at him "Where are your tampons?"
* Try on bras over top of your clothes.
* Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in housewares," and see what happens.
* Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10."
* Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
* Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
* Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.
* Put M&M's on layaway.
* Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
* Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
* When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
* Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
* While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
* Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."
* Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "Pick me!! Pick me!!" and scare them into believing that the clothes are talking to them.
* When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"
* Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.
* Go into the dressing room and yell real loud..."Hey, were out of toilet paper in here!"
WIFE JOKE
"Severe Stress: A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die.” The doctor continued, “Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don’t burden him with chores. Don’t discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.” On the way home, the husband asked his wife. “What did the doctor say?” To which his wife responded, “He said you’re going to die.”
Wow. I feel so much better now.
